


If There's A Heaven

by Colamiilk



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Canon - Manga, Gore, I know it goes against everything im for but, I mean its Justin so, Mentions of religion, Specifically descriptions of beheading, also Noah, canon character death, i wanted to do something with the canon here, if you couldn't tell from the title having 'if' lol, im embarrassed to admit theres no happy ending :(, mentions of abuse, that should be expected, the clown is talked about, theres an overarching theme of agnosticism though, wow ao3 loving to scramble tags again, yeah those bastards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18601861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colamiilk/pseuds/Colamiilk
Summary: "What do you mean? Don't you know what happens after we die Lord Death?"





	If There's A Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> This is overall an experimental fic, I tried a lot of new methods in this and tried some scenes I'd usually never do. Because of this it might read a little jagged and uneven with a bit of weird parts here and there but hopefully its overall enjoyable. It was definitely cool to try and figure out.

_“Lord Death? What happens after we die? What do you do with our souls?”_

_“If you are one of my own, who served me with love for humanity in your heart… I put you in my private graveyard. And pray you are somewhere better.”_

_“What do you mean pray? Don’t you know what happens?”_

_“Some things even I don’t know.”_

_“Do you think when I die I’ll go somewhere good? To a heaven? Will you keep me in your graveyard?”_

_“My child, I don’t have a doubt in my mind.”_

Blood bubbled out of the corner of Justin’s lip, dropping down and staining his white cloak with little crimson drops. There was a moment of realization, and then he went flying. As the wind rushed by his headphones ripped out, still connected to his body. It wasn't until then that he realized his head was no longer attached to his body- that the end had really come. That he had lost. It was funny though, he didn't feel like he had lost at all. There was no pain of defeat, no anger. Justin didn't feel anything but a beautiful intoxicating relief.

The laugh that bubbled out his lips didn't sound right, how could it when his vocal chords were half a mile away with his body? It sounded insane, but for the first time Justin didn't cringe at how unhinged he was acting. Because for once it wasn't the clown making him act that way, it wasn't the madness steering him, that laugh was him. It was _his_ relief, _his_ pleasure, _his_ emotions. The strings had been cut, the insanity that had clung to him like a disgustingly thick tar was gone and he could cry in happiness. 

He didn't even care that all these feelings would disappear into nothingness soon, he didn't care that this was the end. He didn't even care what happened to him after this anymore. He had begged for death the second the clown had appeared, he had been trying to end his life, trying to be killed since the second he realized he had lost control. His only regret was how long it had taken to finally have it be over with. He hadn't wanted to betray the academy, he hadn't wanted to be so helpless in the face of Noah, the Clown and the Kishin but he had been. 

He had been and now there was nothing left of him. He had been corrupted and destroyed from the moment they had cornered him. From the second the monstrous clown had tied them together he had been worthless, a disappointment, defective, beyond redemption. The clown never let him forget it.  _What they say if they knew how insane you really were? What would they do if they knew you had been doubting them this whole time? If they found out your faith was laden with unsurity? Its better for you here, we won't reject you like they will._ Noah hadn't been much better, praising him for every bad thing he did and clouding his judgement further and further. After Giriko had died there hadn't been anyone else who could silence the clowns evil words, no one else who would hold him and tell him he deserved to be alive. 

There was no where else to go but Noah's side, and the other constantly calling him a possession, a part of his collection made Justin feel even less human. Still he was more then willing to trade his humanity for a second of respite. Even the smallest taste of sweetness, of care was worth everything to him. He didn't care how saccharine it was, how toxic it was, how manipulative it was. He needed it. But soon even Noah was gone. The mans hollow scary words that gave him a unsettling peace that was never really enough were gone. 

With no one left but the clown and the Kishin things dissolved at an exponential pace. Eating became impossible, sleeping became impossible, he became deaf and blind to everything around him. There horrible words and stories became as natural as breathing and he settled into a blank, he wasn't even alive anymore. He had no thoughts and feelings beyond dull pain as they used him as a puppet. When the time finally came, when he finally saw Stein across from him he tried to call out for help, but only the clowns words fell from his lips. The same words that haunted his everyday came out flawless, like he had rehearsed them. 

He had forgotten that he had lost the ability to speak is mind long before now. That he had been beaten into submission long before now. His final call for help smothered before it even touched the air. Nothing was left inside him. His thoughts had been completely replaced by the clown's. He was nothing but a vessel anymore... and as he realized that he found himself wondering if he had ever been anything else.

After all, how hadn't the professor noticed the clown behind him? Did it even exist? If it was there why would they ignore it? They really weren't so stupid to not realize that he was nothing more then a shiny distraction- were they? Had he really been making all of this up? Had these horrible thoughts really been his own this whole time? He couldn't tell anymore...  

The cold ground of the moon smashed into his face and he grunted as his head rolled upon landing. 

This was the ending he had been expecting. The ended he deserved. Still he couldn't deny the sparks of grey that began to dance behind his eyes tasted bitter. Had he suffered enough to repay his debts? Would paradise be waiting for him? Would more suffering? Or would it just be nothing? What would be best? What did he deserve? Ah... he supposed it didn't matter anymore. This life was over. This pain would end. 

And that was enough for him.

His final thoughts were nothing but static and he could only smile as he heard Stein scream his victory.

\--

"Finally!" Wiping the sweat from his brow Stein panted thick and heavy. That had taken way too long. Still it had been tremendously satisfying. Stein had never gotten along with Justin, and after everything that had happened he couldn't be happier that he had gotten to be the one who finally shut the preacher up. Turning on his heel the dirt scraped beneath his shoes with a horrible screech. He hadn't noticed until now but... it had grown weirdly quiet. This area was silent... besides an odd hum.

Looking around he noticed the priest's ear buds vibrating against the dusty ground. Ah. Right. There was no way for anywhere to be completely silent with him around. Smashing the buds under his foot Stein sighed. Now to find where his head had landed. The soul wasn't with his body so it must've gone off with the boy's head. But... where had it gone? There was nothing but dust around them. The head surely couldn't of gone that far... why couldn't he see it? 

He whistled when he finally spotted it, it was at least 20 meters away. He must've put far more force into that attack then he had meant to. Picking Marie's handle back up he started over to it, surprised to see it still hadn't bloomed into a soul. Was he still holding on over there? That was probably the only admirable thing Stein had seen him do. It was a pleasant surprise, if only because it gave him the opportunity to finally speak his mind to the blonde. 

“You were a fool Justin, you never learned balance.” Of course the head didn’t respond, even if Justin wanted to humor him with a conversation he couldn’t anymore. There was some kind of weird high Stein got from that. It was intoxicating. The acidic words he had always wanted to say could finally come out, and for once Justin had to listen, he had no guard of music. 

“You ended like this because you were alone, all you had was control. Of course when the madness came- when someone offered you a pass to be free from your own stupid games you couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Pathetic.” Finally the head burst, fading away into a bright shining blue soul. For a second Stein felt something pleasurable knowing that his words would be the last Justin would ever hear, but it quickly passed. He wasn’t able to bask in the beautiful feeling of victory when he was staring at a soul that was still unbelievably...

“Human…” Marie’s surprised question of _‘what?’_ echoed the thoughts in Stein’s own head. How had Justin not become a Kishin egg by now? After all he had done… Had he not been eating the souls? And if not why? It wasn’t like he hadn’t already completely sold his soul to the Kishin by this point...

Reaching out he clenched his hand tight around the light blue soul, shocked at the waves of sorrow that rushed up his arm and combined with his own soul.

“Are you feeling that too?” Marie made a noise of affirmation, one that was laced with pain. Stein’s teeth grit together, was this one last attack? Hadn’t he learned? The sorrow that was consuming them was almost crippling. Stein felt a rage bubble in him, how dare he try to make them feel bad. To make them pity him. Squeezing down on the guillotine’s soul he growled, ready to burst it beneath his hand.

“Stop it! Stein don’t! At the very least we have to bring his soul back to Lord Death!” Panting out his clenched teeth he nodded, releasing his tight grasp around the soul and letting in just float aimlessly underneath the cage of his hands. The sorrow was more manageable now that he wasn’t touching it… but still… It was enough that it made it hard to breathe. It felt like there was something pressing down on his chest and anchoring him to the spot. Justin was making them feel his pain, practically tying them down with nothing but the echoes of his memories.

Stein wanted to laugh to say something and mock the already dead man. To question if he really had been this sad his whole life and if so over _what_. What pain had he felt? Stein couldn’t understand. A guy like Justin never cared or worried about anything, and how could he? He was always letting Death guide him everywhere. 

“Stein do you hear that?” Making an ineloquent _‘huh?’_ he looked around, listening intently for whatever noise Marie was referencing. It was a weird murmur, a mumble coming from the heavy soul in his hands. Stein found his rage spike again. Couldn’t he just die!? He needed to give up already! If it weren’t for Death’s orders he would’ve torn this soul to pieces by now!

“It’s Justin, He’s trying to resonate with us.” Now that Marie had pointed it out Stein felt it, it wasn’t just a mumble Justin was making, he was weirdly clawing at the side of their bond. Making a desperate request to be let in, to be heard. Stein scoffed. Now he wanted to talk? What a joke. Justin had never listened to them, not once. Why should Stein have to listen to him? Even just listening the wavelengths Justin was giving off was more than he deserved. All of this was more than he deserved. Why on Earth did Lord Death want the soul anyway? If it weren’t for Marie he would’ve tossed it to some Kishin by now. This was infuriating. Of course Marie didn’t think so though.

“Please Stein, I can’t hear him alone. Connect us… I want to hear what he’s trying to say.” Stein grimaced. He didn’t want to. Justin’s feelings were insufferable. This sadness…. it hurt far worse than any physical pain Stein had ever felt. He didn't want to admit that the feeling Justin was broadcasting was unbearable to him. He didn't want to admit that it was a pain he had felt before.

The pain of being unable to connect. The pain of exclusion. The pain of being so unbearably _different._

“Fine...” He didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to feel those pains again. But they both knew Justin’s soul wouldn’t stop this until they did. Holding the soul tight once more Stein let out a deep breath and let the hot white pain of Justin’s emotions take over and blank out his mind.

_“Child… why are you crying?” Justin head hurt, he hiccuped as he was pushed forward by Sid’s firm hand. He didn’t know what he had done that had warranted being brought to Lord Death himself. He didn’t know what they were going to do to him. He still hadn’t found a partner… that was surely why was in trouble. But what could he do? No one wanted to wield a guillotine- No one even knew how to._

_All the punishments that could be waiting for him circled around Justin’s mind and made him shake as he tried to stand firmly in front of his God and humbly accept whatever he deserved. His neck hung low, his gaze was cast down to show respect. He was sniveling, filled with fear- but ready for whatever would happen. He knew owning up to his shortcomings was the least he could do._

_He didn't even get a chance to start his apology before Lord Death took notice to the headphones around his neck that hummed with the tiniest bit of music._

_“Oh? Do you like music?” Being wracked with a new wave of tears Justin’s eyes shot open and he shook his head no. How had he been so dumb to have brought these in here? To have not even turned them off? The priests would kill him for this if they could… to show enjoyment so unabashedly to their God… He was here to represent them… there offering to the academy… the only weapon they had to offer Lord Death._

_Somewhere in the back of his mind he processed Sid sighing in impatience and Lord Death drawing back. His hands came up panickedly and clawed at his headphones, ripping them out of his robes. They were all he had… but… Thrusting them forward in offering he stared up at Lord Death, his eyes darting around all over the looming figure leaning over him. He felt like he was going to pass out, each one of his breaths came out forced and shallow and his body was shaking like a leaf._

_“Ah! Calm down! Keep them, it’s good to have something you enjoy.” Justin’s stiff arm that held out the headphones drooped slightly, slowly but surely drawing back and resting over his chest. His brothers had told him Lord Death was merciful… but this honestly felt wrong. Good. Lord Death had called him having something he enjoyed good._

_If there was one thing he had been taught by the monastery it was that enjoyment that came from anything beyond worship was something bad. His headphones were there one begrudging exception, because they shut him up. Looking down at the earbuds blankly he stared into the hollow eyes of the death masks. This was something good. Something he was allowed to like… something other than Death he could love..._

_“Wow Lord Death! You're the first person whose gotten Justin to stop crying! You’re truly amazing at this!” Justin paused, his fingers going up to brush under his eyes in surprise. Just as Sid had said, there were no tears. Even back home it felt as if his eyes were never dry. Was this the power of the divine? He didn’t even hear Death’s disappointed drawl of Sid’s name, he was too busy being amazed at how his chest suddenly felt lighter… at how just seconds in their Lord’s presence had already fixed a part of him that people had given up on fixing long ago._

_“Anyway… you know why you’re here Justin… don’t you?” Hearing Lord Death’s gentle, but forceful question Justin was shocked he didn’t flinch. His eyes showed fear as he looked up, but no tears fell. He wasn't scared... why wasn't he? It honestly felt wrong... How was he standing here? He felt like a stranger in his own body, it felt foreign to not be scared. But also... good. He felt good, even as he waiting to be scolded he felt good. What had happened? Lord Death only chuckled at his obvious shock and continued on._

_“A weapon like you is extremely rare, and unfortunately, extremely hard to wield. So it’s not much of a surprise that we’ve had problems finding you a meister.”  Ah right... He had forgotten that this was why he was here. He had known there wasn't anything else it could be, but still he couldn't help but feel bad they had dragged Lord Death into such a problem. Surely he had more important things to worry about than Justin's inability to find a compatible partner. He was honestly surprised at how earnest Lord Death's voice was, and how much he seemed to care... Did he really expect something amazing out of Justin? He must've heard all the failures Justin was responsible for, all the students he had sent to the nurse's office with his volatile wavelength._

_He was only half listening as Lord Death went through the rest of the spiel he had heard from all his teachers before-_

_“The biggest problem is that fully transformed you're almost impossible to move. A guillotine isn’t very portable, so even when we find a compatible meister, they aren’t able to figure out how to wield you." Nodding in understanding Justin wondered where this would go. Would he be released from the school? Sent back home? It sounded like Lord Death himself didn't really know what to do about the problem at hand. He really should've expected this. He had always been an embarrassment back at the monastery, how had they expected him to amount to anything here? Biting his lip he found his fear start to trickle back as he imagined being sent back there... he couldn't stand living there, and they couldn't stand him being there... That was the whole reason they had sent him away. If he came back what would they do? They had already made it clear they didn't want him..._

_“However!" Shocked back to attention Justin blushed at how off track he had gotten._

_"We are not an academy that turns away children like you. Those who are willing to devote their lives to help the people around them will never be rejected by us.” Justin couldn't stop the audible gasp that escaped his lips. His eyes sparkled with an admiration he had never felt before. Never had someone so stubbornly refused to give up on him before, never had he heard himself described in such a positive way. It made his heart swell and a vigor light up inside him._ _For the first time since he had gotten here he believed he could become a death scythe, that he wasn’t a lost cause._

_“So we need a solution.”  Justin waited patiently for Lord Death to continue on, to offer an idea and tell them where to go from here. After a few seconds it became clear Lord Death wasn't intending to give any kind of answer though. He was waiting for them to respond, but... what was he supposed to say? He didn't have any idea! Tilting his head Justin looked around confused, eventually his eyes landed on Sid, who looked equally confused. He was lost too!? What were they going to do!? Opening his mouth he flapped it like a fish for a second before Sid took pity on him and said exactly what Justin was thinking._

_“Yes… that’s why we came to you.” Flinching at the other's rather to the point statement Justin felt himself hold his breath in fear of the Death God’s next words._

_“Well it’s a real pickle!” Silence stretched over all of them for a second and Justin felt himself at a complete loss. What on Earth? This… This was nothing like he was expecting. All of this was so very different than what he had been told growing up. This was the fearsome Lord Death... right? Sweat built up on his neck as he imagined the possibility of this being an impostor._

_“Justin…” Flinching he looked up at the hollow eyes of Lord Death’s mask and nodded shakily. Had he been able to tell what Justin was thinking? Oh God was he in trouble? Was he going to get eaten? All the confidence Justin had was being replaced with uncertainty and confusion. Where even was he right now? What was going on?_

_“Do you think you could learn how to partially transform?” Wilting in relief at the response Justin sighed a bit. Ok... ok this was fine... He could deal with questions, the sudden informality had really thrown him off, but now that they were back to business he felt his confidence start to come back. Still the idea of partial transformation sat a bit weird with him. Wasn't that frowned upon? All the weapons that did that were usually made fun of and put into the lower level classes... Why would Lord Death want him to do that? Luckily he didn't have to ponder why to long as Lord Death quickly explain his thought process._

_“If you can… perhaps you can be your own meister!” Justin’s eyes widened. He felt Sid move behind him and shake his hands worriedly. But his teacher’s concern didn’t process in his mind at all. That sounded like something he could do, that sounded possible. At least much more possible then finding someone who matched his wavelength and could figure out how to damage an enemy enough by swinging him around like a chair. Still Sid seemed at odds with the idea._

_“What? Lord Death doesn’t that sound kind of dangerous? Plus I don’t know if Justin-”_

_“I’ll do it.” He didn’t let Sid finish his sentence. It was unlike Justin to cut someone off like that but he wasn’t going to risk losing this opportunity. He could tell this was his path, that this was how he could make something of himself._

_“Then I’ll be looking forward to it. You’ll be our first Meister-less weapon if you can pull that off. I could use someone like that in my ranks.”_

Lord Death’s soul felt heavy as he stared aimlessly into the blank mirror. He had found himself replaying that memory a few times since Justin’s disappearance. It never became less painful. He had been a fool to let Justin go on that mission alone. The madness was so much more potent on someone by themselves, no one should’ve been left alone in it… Especially not someone so young... 

A soft rap sounded against the Death Room door and he turned around somberly, calling in who could only be Stein and Marie with the nicest voice he could manage. 

“Ah Did you manage to retrieve Justin for me?” Both Marie and Stein looked grave, and they didn’t seem to be waiting for anyone… Death found himself understanding before they even produced the soul from behind them. It looked so small and it's glow had almost extinguished. It made Death realize just how much he had failed Justin.  

“Sorry we couldn’t bring him living, he wasn’t someone easy to get a hold of.” He was barely hearing their excuses, not because he was mad but because of how powerless he felt looking at the guillotine's soul. If only he wasn’t trapped here he could’ve done something, he could’ve found the boy and brought him home… He had told Justin to trust him, that he wouldn’t have to worry while serving under him. What a lie that had ended up being.

“No No, I understand.” Lord Death picked up the pulsing blue soul tenderly, holding it softly in his hands and sighing. He had expected this, Noah was crafty and had undoubtedly known that if he had let the Reaper get in contact with Justin he would’ve lost the scythe. He must’ve of scared the boy into believing returning would only result in death. He had to of, because the fear had obviously lingered in Justin’s mind long after Noah was gone.

Still, he had hoped for a miracle. That somehow Stein and Marie would’ve been able to bring back the scythe more or less intact and that he would’ve been able to calm the boy’s mind once again. It was what he owed to Justin sending him into all of that after all.

Now all he could do was bury the sad little soul. Death couldn’t deny he felt something akin to regret as he stepped off the podium, into the soft dirt that surrounded it. A spot near his mirror would be nice… after all Justin would be one of the few actually human souls buried here. He deserved a nice resting place.

Stein made a noise in confusion as Death leaned down to drop the soul into the sediment below and strike a cross over it. Clapping his hands in a final send off and whispering a last wish for the boy.

“Let’s hope he’s at peace now.” It was wishful thinking and he knew it. Death had a feeling Justin would be around for a long time, trapped within his guilt and unable to pass on. But still… out of all the people Death had met in his life he could think of few souls who deserved rest more.

A few tears slipped down and beaded on his mask as he thought of the boy’s dreams of clouds and golden gates. He’d find it. He had to. He deserved a happy ending, a reward for his service, for his sacrifice. If there was a heaven it would fit no one better than him.

**Author's Note:**

> This is such far cry from my normal style that I honestly feel bad posting it. I don't like sharing such sad themes and such hopeless feelings. However...
> 
> After reading Justin's death I found myself thinking back on a lot of old things and felt the need to write about it. So needless to say this comes from a very raw part of me and it's entirely self indulgent. You can read into it, or you can see it as nothing more than a silent wish that Justin had gotten some sort of peace after his suffering, even if only in death. And of course a wish that he was still loved, and his suffering was recognized. 
> 
> Regardless of how you take it I hope it makes someone feel less alone (because god did I feel alone after reading his death) or at the very least offers some explanation to Justin's rather abrupt and unquestioned fall into madness. <3


End file.
